Embarro Zooms & Putin Butt Plugs
Mōrena lil shits!!
Yesterday morning I got this message from Liv on Slack which honestly sent me:
Auckland also just had its first semi-cold night and the cold must have seeped into my subconscious because I had a dream that Rubes and I moved into a flat together, except she took the beautiful room inside and made me sleep OUTSIDE and I was freeeeezing. Turns out it was just because in real life my windows were open and I was cold.
Also - you didn’t ask but I’m telling you - Helen of Troy is the best song from Lorde's sun-worship era and it didn’t even make the final cut of the album. Second best is Mood Ring, I rest my case.
✨ PS!! I've had a few people reaching out wanting to advertise in the newsy - if you or the organisation you work for is interested in renting some space to chat to 50k of the coolest humans on the planet, hit us up (or just reply to this email!) ✨
In today’s newsletter:
Your mortifying zoom calls
You’ve heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for…
Meet the ‘Vladimir Put-in’, a talking butt plug on a mission to raise funds for Ukraine
WHY IS FUEL SO EXPENNY?
Introducing ‘Lonely Ape Dating Club’: the world’s first dating app for NFT enthusiasts
Giant New Zealand potato is not in fact a potato
‘Nothing was stolen’: New Zealanders carry on borrowing from closed, unstaffed library
Buck naked or butt naked?
NORMALISE PAYING FOR THE MEDIA YOU LOVE
HARRY DOES 🥺 — www.getrevue.co
If you wanna support the media you love (so I can keep doing this!), you should become a paying subscriber & chuck me $5 a month here. Or! If you want to do a one-off donation of more or less than that, you can do it here! I love you!
Your mortifying zoom calls
Thank you all for the love and support regarding my embarro zoom moment yesterday. I feel like now is a good time to also tell you that my worst nightmare is farting on a zoom call while my mic is on. And, another thank you to everyone who emailed me with their own zoom call experiences. Here are a few:
“Damn the dude is as old as time itself”
“So I’m in uni, last semester we had a course in methodology and with it, a new professor.. During this particular meeting no one was muted automatically. About 5 min into the lecture people are still joining and not realising that they aren't muted. All of a sudden a guy says “damn the dude is as old as time itself” which obviously the entire zoom lecture heard including the professor… to which the professor looked a little puzzled before saying “yes i’m old but can you please mute yourself”
"They basically had a view of my bouncing chest"
“I was zooming into a work meeting from home while looking after my two toddlers who were unable to go to preschool. I set them up with The Wiggles on TV, thinking I'd get maybe 10 mins of peace and quiet, and at that stage I only had a PC not a laptop so I was zooming on my phone - easy. Until my 2-year-old got hold of some pens and started drawing a mural on the living room wall. I said a quick 'sorry, hang on' to my colleagues and then sprinted towards him, tripped on a wayward toy and fell face first onto the carpet... All while holding my phone. With zoom still on. My boss and colleagues saw the entire thing, with the camera still on front mode so they basically had a view of my bouncing chest as I ran, and then my very unsexy 'tripping and falling face'. I don't know what possessed me to carry my work meeting in my hand while I was dashing through the lounge juggling kids, the state of the walls and my career. I have a new rule - no zooms when the kids are home.”
"My entire class can hear me slurping"
“Picture this: geography class, it’s cold, and I’m in the living room because it’s the best place for my failing WiFi. I’m the first person into the lesson - good impression, right? Well, since it’s so cold, I have a mug of hot chocolate to drink! Cameras are off, so I feel fine drinking it. Little do I know, my mic is on. Worse, my mic is in my headphones, right near my mouth. So, while I’m slurping on my hot chocolate waiting for it to cool down and for the last of my 20-or-so classmates to arrive, my entire class can hear me slurping. And I didn’t know until I turned my phone over to see multiple friends had messaged me saying my mic had been on for around five minutes at this point and they could all hear me. Slurping. And swallowing. And slurping again.
"P.S.: my (least favourite) teacher abbreviated ‘miserable’ to ‘mizzo’ today. Worse is that he’s an English teacher… 😭😳"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER"
“so atm secondary school debating is over zoom which is so fucking weird but anyway we were at a big regional competition and our opponents were like the most pompous private school dudes you’ve ever met. Naturally we had our mics off to bitch about the other team but towards the end one of their speakers said something just so grating that my team member yelled SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER 😌 and i was only after that we realised THE MIC WAS ON so we subsequently left the call and lost the debate lmao”
I feel much less alone now!! Also, to the teacher who shortened 'miserable' to 'mizzo'... I love you and I'll be using that.
You’ve heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for…
You are providing me with SUCH GOOD CONTENT in my inbox lately - do less!!!! (actually don’t.) Here’s a response from Kristina that me legit laugh out loud”
“Hi Luce,
I have some thoughts for you about the word Kremlin. I live in Germany, so English is not my native language. Therefore I find certain words funny and Kremlin is one of them. “Kremlin“ is soooo close to Gremlin - these goblin-like creatures. Hence my brain produced this thought:"
New episode of The Shit Show!!
Why the HELL is fuel so expensive right now? - The Shit Show — open.spotify.com
Pete Davidson in space, Elon wants to fight Putin, fuel prices are rising, you could get 15 years in jail for spreading "fake news" in Russia, and LUCE HAS A BONE TO PICK! All of this and more wherever you get your pods!
Meet the ‘Vladimir Put-in’, a talking butt plug on a mission to raise funds for Ukraine
When I woke up this morning this was not a headline I thought I’d stumble across. Not mad about it though. Introducing, the Vladimir Put-in (GREAT NAME) an NFT (YES, AN NFT) butt plug.
“Designed specifically for his rectum and his rectum only, the Vladimir Put-in consists of a non-fungible token (NFT) butt plug, currently being auctioned on the community-owned marketplace Rarible.”
But never fear! Even though NFTs are typically digital art, if you win the auction for this particular NFT, you also get a 3d printed 10-centimetre-long 3D printed talking anal plug.
The proceeds from the auction will be donated to WithUkraine, a humanitarian support platform set up by the Embassy of Ukraine to the UK, and the company behind the initiative - Chat Shit Get Banged - is planning to send a copy of the physical toy first class to the Russian Embassy. Eek.
Introducing ‘Lonely Ape Dating Club’: the world’s first dating app for NFT enthusiasts
God, sorry for TWO NFT stories today. My initial thought when I saw this one was ‘oh dear god no’ but actually, matching up the likeminded NFT enthusiasts might not be the worst thing in the world??? It means you could avoid things like this happening:
Upon (like one second of) further reading though, I realised that this wasn’t a dating app for all NFT enthusiasts, The Lonely Ape Dating Club is exclusive to owners of a Bored Ape Yacht Club NFT (because of course it is.)
“Users will be able to connect their crypto wallets and earn tokens for swiping through and engaging with matches. Apart from this match-to-earn feature, the app lets you shrink the dating pool even further by filtering potential partners based on the net worth of cryptocurrency and NFTs held in their wallets. You can also grab the attention of other potential lovers by sending them tips in crypto and show off other metrics on your profile.”
And to me, this bit felt a lil… unique:
“A ‘Coin Digger’ feature additionally allows non-BAYC owners to connect with higher net worth individuals for “mutual benefits.”
It’s like another version of Raya (that dating app only for “hot” people or celebrities) except with this one you know that everyone has enough disposable income to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a digital ape.
Maybe I’ll buy a Bored Ape Yacht Club NFT, download the app, match with Jimmy Fallon and tell him how embarro that clip of him and Paris Hilton talking about their Apes was.
Some very NZ stories for ya
1) Giant New Zealand potato is not in fact a potato, Guinness World Records rules
Do you remember Dug, the world's largest potato turned local celebrity? Well, I regret to inform you that science has proven (and here at SYSCA we believe science, even when the results are upsetting) that he is not in fact a potato after all.
Here’s an excerpt from The Guardian:
“The couple got the bad news from Guinness in an email last week.
“Dear Colin,” the email begins, going on to say “sadly the specimen is not a potato and is in fact the tuber of a type of gourd. For this reason we do unfortunately have to disqualify the application.”
That’s all the info I’m gonna give you, but if you want a full timeline of how we got here, Alex Casey wrote a brill piece for The Spinoff about it.
2) ‘Nothing was stolen’: New Zealanders carry on borrowing from closed, unstaffed library
My second extremely NZ story is that on Waitangi day, the door to the Christchurch library, Tūranga, was open for a solid few hours, and people were just coming in, scanning books out themselves, and behaving like good citizens.
“Our self-issue machines automatically started up and 147 books were issued by customers. No book-theft alarms went off, and at this stage nothing has been reported missing, nor have we spotted any damage.”
SO cute.
Buck naked or butt naked?
17% of you say buck
83% say butt
I googled it and according to our mates Merriam Webster:
"While both buck naked and butt naked are used to describe someone who is fully nude, buck naked is the older of the pair. Butt naked is much newer and likely sees use because of butt having a long history of referring to a person's buttocks."
I also have a great poll for you today
I googled it and the results will shock you.
Why the HELL is fuel so expensive right now? (The Shit Show)
The Complicated Life of Kanye West, Part 2: Kim, Trump & Mental Health (Culture Vulture)
Disney’s “Don’t Say Gay” stance wasn’t the first time it betrayed its LGBTQ fans (Vox)
Abortion Bans Will Only Get More Punitive From Here (The Cut)
Be Warned, Rihanna Will Flip a Table for Her Child (The Cut)
You can listen to us talk about all things pop culture on Culture Vulture, about THE WORLD on The Shit Show or watch us explain the internet on Extremely Online.
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LOVE YOU THE MOST, LUCE XX
