I’ve got theories about your fan theories

I'm going to hold your hand as I say this: your theories are ruining your viewing experience <3

Today’s newsletter is a guest post by Eilish Gilligan: writer, musician, podcaster and Lady Gaga fan club president. you can subscribe to Shameless Podcast's newsletter Smart, Dumb Stuff here!

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I’ve got theories about your fan theories

Brittany Broski once said: “I can’t like anything a normal amount” and I’ve never related to anything more.

I can’t just like… watch a movie, then turn it off and go on with my life. I have to know everything about every actor and crew member, I have to watch promo videos on YouTube and listen to fan theory podcasts and fixate on headcanons of my favourite characters. If you understand what a ‘headcanon’ is, you’re in the same boat as me. Don’t deny it, nerd! Love, a fellow nerd (so it’s okay that I just called you a nerd).

I have to tell you, I think this behaviour is completely acceptable. In fact, I encourage it. It’s really, really fun to love stuff… HOWEVER.

My adoration for stuff in general takes me to places on the internet that most people wouldn’t go with a gun. And in those places — the subreddits, the forums — the kinds of discussions taking place are starting to concern me. Here’s my thesis statement: your complex theories are ruining your experience as a fan. Now, my fellow academics, onto our case studies.

Case Study 1: Reputation TV clownery

We all know the Swifties are more prone to spinning these complex theories than most other fan communities. To be fair, this behaviour has been encouraged by Taylor ‘Mastermind’ Swift herself. But these days I wonder if she ever regrets what she started, perhaps as the good lord in heaven may regret what suffering the creation of humanity hath wrought. Amen!

Swifties have been waiting for Taylor to announce Reputation (Taylor’s Version) for years now. Every few months, I’ve watched a consistent cultural pattern of Swifties getting themselves all hyped up for an imagined, or theorised, announcement date for Rep TV, and then… nothing.

Some of the methods with which these Swifties are coming up with Rep TV theories are actually bonkers — and I do say this as a Swiftie myself. The amount of Rep TV numerological equations I have seen on Twitter over the years must be tantamount to a PhD in mathematics for some of you. I hate to break it to you, but I just don’t think Taylor is planning her release dates around Einstein’s theory of relativity as it pertains to the number 13. She’s good, but she’s not that good. Continue this Sisyphean behaviour, and you will be disappointed, time and time again.

Case Study 2: Severance

Appointment TV is back, baby! And I couldn’t be happier. This shit is fan-catnip. Fan-nip? I love my little ritual of watching the new episode of Severence on a Friday evening, and then spending the next seven days trying to figure out what it all means.

There’s a fine line, though, between enjoying the ride of a thriller-style narrative, and thinking so much about it that you’ve actually ruined the entire experience of, y’know, finding out new information as it is presented to you in the narrative. As is the tradition of, like, all stories in history.

I’m not talking about spoilers here. I’m talking about developing such intricate ideas in your mind (often egged on by fellow superfans) as to where the plot is going to go next — based on not a whole lot more than some blurry screenshots, throwaway dialogue and a prayer to Ben Stiller — that if the story doesn’t pan out that way, you get disappointed.

Tough love incoming

The likelihood of a show as popular as Severance turning towards a frankly absurdist and nonsensical narrative route, based on the ramblings of one very online person in some random forum, is so low that you are simply guaranteed to be disappointed. Again, I say this as a massive fan of stuff — I’m trying to help you not get burned like I have been in the past.

I have been known to band around a fan theory here and there. And when the narrative didn’t play out how I hoped it would, instead opting for something much more, y’know, traditionally comprehensible than Lynchian (RIP), it’s disappointing! So I simply do not do it anymore. As much as I love to immerse myself in the world of a show, I try very hard not to predict what’s going to happen next. At least… not beyond what the actual text is telling me.

As with most painful and disappointing things in this world, the answer is, perhaps sadly, that sometimes thinking less about stuff will ultimately result in a higher degree of happiness and satisfaction. I now present my brain for an overall de-wrinkling.