Love Island: Pope Edition
The 2025 Conclave is part prayer, part politics, part power struggle - basically Love Island, but with Latin and incense.
Welcome to the Casa Papal. 133 eligible cardinals have entered the conclave, and only one will walk away with the ultimate prize: the white robe, the ring, and the keys to the literal Vatican. This is Love Island: Papal Edition, where instead of grafting, they’re…. praying. And instead of recoupling, they’re realigning the global spiritual direction of 1.3 billion people.
But first: what’s a conclave?
The 2025 conclave is the Vatican’s ultimate lock-in to decide on the new pope. Think: no phones, no press, no external contact - just 133 cardinals under 80, sealed inside the Sistine Chapel until they agree on who gets the white robe. It’s part prayer, part politics, part power struggle - basically Love Island, but with Latin and incense.
They vote up to four times a day. If no one gets two-thirds? More voting. More whispering. More espresso. When they do decide, white smoke rises, bells ring, and the new pope steps onto the balcony. Vatican's version of a dramatic villa re-entry.
Let’s meet the 10 hottest contestants!
Matteo Zuppi (Italy, 69) - The Peaceful One
Type on paper: Thoughtful. Progressive. “I’ll text you after the conclave” energy.
What he brings to the conclave:
Pastoral care king. He’s here for you, not just the dogma.
Has literally flown to Moscow and Kyiv to be a peace envoy.
Supports same-sex blessings
What might hold him back:
Upholds the Church’s anti-abortion stance, but prioritises pastoral care - more “how can we support you?” than shame or condemnation.
The other lads think he’s too nice. Could be friend-zoned by the trads.
Peter Turkson (Ghana, 76) - The Eco-Conscious One
