Age Gaps & April Fools 🤡
A fun one today xxxx
Gorgeous to be back in your inbox after a cheeky long weekend - hope you all had a very hoppy easter and didn’t listen to that person who told us not to eat a whole easter egg in one go.
I went and watched my cute uncle race his big hydroplane boat, and although watching him race is one of my fave pastimes, I always get SO anxious because they go so fast!! It’s scary ok!!!
Anyway, on day two of the racing, good old Uncle Ray proved to me exactly WHY I get anxious watching this when he flipped the damn thing. Look:
Screenshots for those who don’t wanna watch the video:
Anyway, gorge to bring the Close Friends down south with me, I love how cute u all are to me and my little quirks:
If you’re not already, you should become one 🥺
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Since we last chatted, April Fools Day happened
Now, usually, I love a prank, but this year I just couldn’t get into April Fools Day. Maybe it’s because most of the things happening in the world rn feel quite unfathomable already, or maybe because it just feels like another way for brands to get some advertising in? Anyway, I’ll put my cynicism aside for a sec to give you a wee roundup of some of the pranks I saw:
Tinder posted a job ad for a ‘VP of ghosting’
Domino’s launched a cereal called ‘Domin-o’s’
Maccas made a ‘pickle’ apple pie
KFC did 'gravy hot cross buns’
Briscoes launched a ‘Briscoes Lady’ duvet cover
The NZ Breakers posted that recently retired captain Tom Abercrombie would be the NZ Bachelor in an upcoming season (kinda wish this one was true)
Mr Beast said this:
Trump posted $175m bond in his New York fraud case
He did it. He got the money together. Of course he did.
As we know, he was originally ordered to pay $464m, but an appeals court said he could pay the smaller $175m sum within 10 days.
Also, is he on Ozempic?
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The Cut started more Age Gap discourse
I need you to all go and read this piece right now. It’s set the internet alight in a way I’m obsessed with. Long live the personal essay.
Some of my fave quotes:
“I had high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out. Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.”
“Too much work had left my husband, by 30, jaded and uninspired. He’d burned out — but I could reenchant things. I danced at restaurants when they played a song I liked. I turned grocery shopping into an adventure, pleased by what I provided. Ambitious, hungry, he needed someone smart enough to sustain his interest, but flexible enough in her habits to build them around his hours.”
“My husband isn’t my partner. He’s my mentor, my lover, and, only in certain contexts, my friend. I’ll never forget it, how he showed me around our first place like he was introducing me to myself: This is the wine you’ll drink, where you’ll keep your clothes, we vacation here, this is the other language we’ll speak, you’ll learn it, and I did.”
But the author did kinda eat with this one: “There is a boy out there who knows how to floss because my friend taught him. Now he kisses college girls with fresh breath. A boy married to my friend who doesn’t know how to pack his own suitcase. She “likes to do it for him.” A million boys who know how to touch a woman, who go to therapy because they were pushed, who learned fidelity, boundaries, decency, manners, to use a top sheet and act humanely beneath it, to call their mothers, match colors, bring flowers to a funeral and inhale, exhale in the face of rage, because some girl, some girl we know, some girl they probably don’t speak to and will never, ever credit, took the time to teach him. All while she was working, raising herself, clawing up the cliff-face of adulthood. Hauling him at her own expense.”
Even though this piece is slightly delusional, I hate to admit that the worst and most anti-feminist version of me still finds this kinda… hot. Of course, I wouldn’t build my habits, hopes, or dreams around any man, but gimme a man over a boy any day xx
Some other things you need to read:
Why Did This Guy Put a Song About Me on Spotify?
“The answer involves a remarkable — and lucrative, and ridiculous — scheme to game the way we find music today.”
Dunc sent me this and it’s the best story I’ve read in a long time!!
How Vice became ‘a fucking clown show’
“The wild expenses, shady deals, and greed that ruined Vice.”
I haven’t read this yet but will be ASAP.
How therapy-speak ‘processed’ its way into pop-music
This piece made me miss our Culture Vulture podcast because it’s the perfect topic for London Laura and I 🥺
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That Cut essay was bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I have two daughters who are under 5 and I chant 'A man is not a plan' into their little ears as they sleep.
this was such a good one!!!