what happens when you leave
on moving and being moved 𓆩♡𓆪
The other day on Culture Vulture Bel and I talked about the highs and lows of moving far away from where you came from. She talked about ‘living vividly’ while I replied with ‘and I’ve cried basically every day since arriving here!’
As I’m sure you all know - because it’s kinda my whole personality right now - I’ve just moved from NZ to Lisbon with Bel to write our book!!), and surprise surprise - it’s a Huge Life Thing to move to a new place (espesh when you’ve never even been to Europe!) You have to be brave every day, doing simple things like going to the supermarket or getting a coffee requires a lot more brain power than usual (how do I say “I don’t need a plastic bag” in Portuguese?), and you’re far, far away from the people who understand you. The other day on the phone my Dad literally said to me “you do realise you’ve moved basically as FAR away from New Zealand as you possibly could’ve right?.”
In the same breath, you’re swimming in an ocean you’ve never dipped your toes in before, watching a brand new sunset, drinking wine from a region you’ve never heard of, and befriending the family at the local Quisoque to get some sort of sense of community. Moments like that are why we do this. On the days you feel brave you dare to wonder whether this will be home one day, and on the days you’re stuck in your head you feel very far away from where you should be. Some days you wonder if you’ll ever find where you should be.
We got a beautiful email in response to this episode of Culture Vulture, and I wanted to share it with you all today because it’s just really fucking nice to know that you’re not alone in feeling sometimes. It’s certainly helped me and I hope it does the same for you!
Keep living vividly (as Bel would say) when you can xxx
Hi Lucy and Bel,
I'm sure loads of people say this, but it feels weird emailing you like I know you, and I feel like I know you but I don't. [Luce note: if you read this newsy or listen to the podcasts, you VERY much know us!]
Anyway! I just wanted to thank you both so much for talking so openly about the overwhelming reality of moving to a different country! I'm 28 and moved from London to New York 2 years ago, and have spent most of this year crying because I'm not Carrie Bradshaw skipping around Manhattan. I often feel like my friends at home don't get it because I chose to move, but it's so lovely to know I'm not weird and this is a normal way to feel.
During a year studying abroad in America, I met and fell in love with the man who would later become my husband – but not before we spent nearly 4 years in a long-distance relationship. This time was extremely hard on us both, full of late-night Facetime calls, missed birthdays and life events, and Animal Crossing dates on our Nintendo Switches. In late 2021, after being married for 18 months, my spousal visa was finally approved, so I packed my life into 5 suitcases and boarded a flight to JFK – ready to finally be in the same country, time zone, and apartment as my husband. I thought this would be where the hard stuff ends, and we live happily ever after.
What I hadn’t anticipated was that I would still be in a long-distance relationship – multiple in fact - but with my family and my friends this time. I still found myself missing birthdays and holidays, and considering whether I could afford a flight home for major life events like weddings and funerals. Instead of Facetiming my partner and feeling sad I couldn’t be with him, I now feel like crying whenever I see a photo of my friends hanging out without me. I know this is completely irrational, and I can’t expect life at home to stay still as I continue on somewhere else – but these long-term implications have hit me so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I have had to accept that I will now always be missing someone and so probably won’t feel completely at home anywhere ever again. Isn't that mad? I was lucky enough to have close relationships with my family and friends, and this has left an immeasurable hole in my life that, as much as he tries, my husband cannot fill on his own. Meeting new people often means venturing to bars and coffee shops, feeling so on edge to put your best self forward, and worrying about the impression you're making; I desperately miss the intimacy of arriving at an old friend's house with a McDonalds, in no make-up, greasy hair and pyjamas, to watch a chick flick and talk about nothing and everything.
Trying to find my place in this new country has made me question my whole identity. Sometimes, I feel I am almost expected to shed my British skin, and step out as newly formed all-American girl who understands what the temperature is in Fahrenheit, writes the month before the day in the date, and knows the rules of American football (even with Taylor Swift now involved I still struggle to pay attention!). Other times, I feel determined to cling to every inch of my British roots, re-watching multiple classic British shows like Skins and The Inbetweeners, and developing what is now basically an obsession with a football (soccer) team I only semi-cared about whilst living in the UK.
It’s just feels like a lot for the human brain to comprehend, and while I am currently counting the days to my Christmas trip home (to physically hand my family gifts on Christmas day and meet my best friend’s 6-month-old baby for the first time) there is also trepidation for what emotions I will find there, and even more so for the ones that await me when I fly back.
I'm not sure what the point of this email is and I'm sure you get messages like this all the time, but I thought if by sharing my thoughts I could make you feel less alone like you made me feel today, then there's no harm in sending!!
Love always!
xxxxxxx
Zoe got RIGHT to my heart, and my final Luce note in response to this is:
NEVER feel afraid or weird about sending an email! I send them to you all the time and it’s only right that you send them back. I feel like the whole point of SYSCA is to make us all feel less alone in this world, and messages like this are what do it for me. So please, send away!
As someone who has lived and worked in multiple countries, I will tell you that it takes almost 2 years to really feel at home. The first 6 months you're trying to figure out how to get the same stuff from home/figuring out alternatives. Everything is new, takes conscious effort, and yes even UK to US has a bit of a language barrier. The next 6 months are all about getting into a functional routine. And then the second year you're really settling in. If you end up staying a shorter time (like I often did), then some things never get settled.
As I was reading that email I could hear myself speak and feel, I’ve lived away from my homeland for 8 years now and it never gets easier. Especially as we’re now in our late 20s and early 30s and all the huge life events are happened. The pain of missing your friends big life achievements, all the holidays and watching your parents get older from afar.
Sending so much love to all migrants. The pain of never having one true home anymore is something no one can ever comprehend till they go through it ♥️