I was always the DUFF in my group. I’m overweight, awkward, a know-it-all, etc. My friends (and my sister) are literal model-level beauties. As a teen, and in my twenties and early thirties, that was super hard, but I did a good job of focusing on my strengths and developing a sense of worth outside my beauty.
And now I am 42. And my beautiful friends (who also have many other wonderful qualities), while still beautiful for women in their 40s, are coping with the fact that our society is awful to older women. And it’s not going great for them, because their beauty was a part of them that provided a lot of benefits that they hadn’t realized they were getting. And now that they’re buying all their own drinks and not getting upgraded at the airline counter, they’re going through the same kind of existential questioning that I did at 23.
Society as it is now venerates *youthful* beauty…but youth doesn’t last forever. Having to deal with not being conventionally beautiful as a young person means that I am not dealing with that *now,* and I am so glad not to be. One of the worst things I ever heard was a friend saying “But being hot is all I had!” *I* know that isn’t true, but it took a lot of convincing that there is Life After Hotness.
My mother was the stunning, gorgeous woman that everyone wanted to sit next to. I lived in her shadow and I literally felt the stares of those around her wondering why I wasn’t as beautiful. My father recommend I get a nose job after my divorce so I could “attract the next husband”. Hard to focus on inner worth when being told by the ones that keep you safe that outward beauty is the only thing that matters. I survived
15 years removed from my high school days, I find myself looking back on photos of myself during that time and thinking - "Damn, I was hot! Look how skinny and pretty I was!" Knowing that at that time, that was the absolute opposite of what I was feeling. My body now has been ravaged by 16+ surgeries with too many scars to count. I try to give myself grace and love and appreciate my body for still being here through everything.
I think about how I'll feel in another 10-15+ years looking back on photos of myself during this time, and how I'll likely be saying the same thing - "Damn, I looked so young and youthful then!" etc. Why do I have to wait until that decade of my life has passed before I can see myself in that way?
When I was seventeen, I had a colleague who was a decade older than me tell me that I wasn't hot or pretty enough to be SA'ed (he was ofc more graphic with his language than that), and the most fucked up part was that I believed him. I internalised that thought because of what society at large was always telling me.
The literal greatest gift in the world has been growing older, and learning from feminists who have come before me, and realising that saying that said more about him than it would ever mean about me. And now I'm just a bit older than he was when he said it, I know how absolutely cooked it was that he said that to me at my place of work (which was an office!!!) when I was just so, so young.
The best way through that feeling of not being pretty enough (that I've found) is to try to set it aside, and make sure you're looking at all the other girls and women around you with kindness - eventually it will become unfathomable that anyone would be looking at you with anything except kindness. Also I unfollowed all the social media content that was making me feel less than, and it was incredible the impact that had on my self worth! You literally are what you consume, so you should feed your brain a nice balance of things that uplift you and others, that only enriches your life (e.g. this newsy!!) xxx
I fucking hate that this happened to you. If you ever wanted to write about this experience, I'd love to publish it over on Culture Vulture? https://culturevulture.substack.com/
So true! There are times when I still feel like the ugly friend, and those exact friends have told me they feel like THEY’RE the ugly friend! It was such a revelation, and more about what your brain says to you, than what’s actually true.
I've always felt like the fat or least attractive friend in my group, and it's soul crushing. It took a long time and lot of work to stop negative self-talk. Admittedly I also shallowly have ended up taking pride in having really good skin and looking younger than I am, and developing a rep in my groups for being the go-to for skincare and beauty advice. But the weight thing and feeling ginormous is something I still struggle with, I'm not sure I'll ever 100% accept or find enlightened acceptance with myself.
Oh god this reminded me of my first week of high school. They made us write letters for those in class that we would like to get to know better, those that we like etc. Everyone had an envelope on their table and we would slip a letter inside. Very quickly it became obious that only the most beautiful girls and boys got their envelopes filled with letters, and the rest of us peasants got nothing. It was embarrasing.
That was 13 years ago and I remember feeling ugly inside and out.
Since then I decided to work on my personality and started working out to feel better in my body. I feel and am so much better than I was back then. It is so easy to feel ugly and I wish I was gentler on myself back then.
“How about instead of focussing on what you’re not, focusing on what you are? The incredibly good friend, chef, artist, deep thinker, advice giver, sister? Think about whatever it is that makes you proud to be alive and lean into that.” I needed to hear this so much today. Thank you for sharing ❤️
When I was around 22, I think, I remember watching as my flatmate went out with her boyfriend and another 'friend couple' and feeling so depressed as obviously I was completely unattractive and would never be able to do that. I've always had a squint and felt quite self-conscious about it and I also had the usual hang-ups when it came to weight and general appearance and so on (the mid-2000s were not fun!). So, I carried on my extremely exciting Sunday evening activity of doing the ironing and going over in my head how miserable I was. But then it hit me. The squint was not going anywhere. I would always, always have it. And even if a miracle occurred and I suddenly dropped three dress sizes and got a tan and so on and so forth, I'd still have a squint. An automatic disqualification from the field of play when it came to beauty standards. So, why was I worrying about any beauty standards? Why follow these rules when it's a game I can't win? And I swear, it was such a relief in that moment and I thought, I don't have to do this, there's no point in tormenting myself with these ideas of beauty because there is no way of me ever meeting them. And every time anything like those notions come crawling back into my head, I remind myself of that. I've been quite happy about my appearance ever since.
I am 100% the DUFF. Maybe not in my friend group, but when it comes to family/family friends everyone is stunning. Even my sister, she definitely got all the good genes. I would always look at pictures and hate how i looked compared to others. Of course, you can't talk about it because as you said you'll receive the classic 'don't say that about yourself' or 'you are beautiful'. I'm trying to remember that beauty comes from within, but man it would be nice for it to be on the outside of me as well ;-;. One step at a time though.
I am the ugly friend. I have felt for many months a lot of aesthetic shame. I just left a toxic marriage and all that comes with that. I brought it up in my domestic violence group tonight and hoping it'll shed some light on how I've been feeling. Thank you for sharing this read ❤️
I felt like the DUFF in my friend group and I can definitely resonate with the stop thinking about yourself so much advise. I also came here to say though, I was raised by a single dad and really had no idea how to properly care for myself. Once I learned proper care routine, despite knowingly being unconventional attractive, I still find myself much more confident. Sometimes it's a balance with also learning about what kind of care you need to feel happy in your skin and taking that time to get to know yourself. So even if I have vampire teeth and a midsized body, I feel cute when I'm actually caring for myself proper 🩷
I was 16 when a male classmate told me I had no sex appeal. I was 22 when my then partner beat me out of a deep sleep because his friends laughed at him for being with an ugly woman. I was 25 when a new boyfriend brought his best friend to meet me. I opened the door and his friend rudely exclaimed, "OH my God. She's ugly!". So, here I am at 73 and never married. I've never been worthy of love.
This has been a wonderful thread. We all had to grow through the process of accepting ourselves as we are and loving ourselves. The journey is not easy but we are strong.
I feel this so much. I was also the DUFF for sure, living in Chicago and hanging out with my gorgeous single friends (I was not single) was actually traumatic. My friends always made me feel loved but strangers looking to hook up would treat me like a door mat. Meh
I was always the DUFF in my group. I’m overweight, awkward, a know-it-all, etc. My friends (and my sister) are literal model-level beauties. As a teen, and in my twenties and early thirties, that was super hard, but I did a good job of focusing on my strengths and developing a sense of worth outside my beauty.
And now I am 42. And my beautiful friends (who also have many other wonderful qualities), while still beautiful for women in their 40s, are coping with the fact that our society is awful to older women. And it’s not going great for them, because their beauty was a part of them that provided a lot of benefits that they hadn’t realized they were getting. And now that they’re buying all their own drinks and not getting upgraded at the airline counter, they’re going through the same kind of existential questioning that I did at 23.
Society as it is now venerates *youthful* beauty…but youth doesn’t last forever. Having to deal with not being conventionally beautiful as a young person means that I am not dealing with that *now,* and I am so glad not to be. One of the worst things I ever heard was a friend saying “But being hot is all I had!” *I* know that isn’t true, but it took a lot of convincing that there is Life After Hotness.
if you ever want to publish a piece called 'Life After Hotness' for Culture Vulture I would be so down https://culturevulture.substack.com/
I would love to!
that last sentence. oof.
My mother was the stunning, gorgeous woman that everyone wanted to sit next to. I lived in her shadow and I literally felt the stares of those around her wondering why I wasn’t as beautiful. My father recommend I get a nose job after my divorce so I could “attract the next husband”. Hard to focus on inner worth when being told by the ones that keep you safe that outward beauty is the only thing that matters. I survived
my darling!!!! so glad you're here and thank you for this comment xxx
15 years removed from my high school days, I find myself looking back on photos of myself during that time and thinking - "Damn, I was hot! Look how skinny and pretty I was!" Knowing that at that time, that was the absolute opposite of what I was feeling. My body now has been ravaged by 16+ surgeries with too many scars to count. I try to give myself grace and love and appreciate my body for still being here through everything.
I think about how I'll feel in another 10-15+ years looking back on photos of myself during this time, and how I'll likely be saying the same thing - "Damn, I looked so young and youthful then!" etc. Why do I have to wait until that decade of my life has passed before I can see myself in that way?
When I was seventeen, I had a colleague who was a decade older than me tell me that I wasn't hot or pretty enough to be SA'ed (he was ofc more graphic with his language than that), and the most fucked up part was that I believed him. I internalised that thought because of what society at large was always telling me.
The literal greatest gift in the world has been growing older, and learning from feminists who have come before me, and realising that saying that said more about him than it would ever mean about me. And now I'm just a bit older than he was when he said it, I know how absolutely cooked it was that he said that to me at my place of work (which was an office!!!) when I was just so, so young.
The best way through that feeling of not being pretty enough (that I've found) is to try to set it aside, and make sure you're looking at all the other girls and women around you with kindness - eventually it will become unfathomable that anyone would be looking at you with anything except kindness. Also I unfollowed all the social media content that was making me feel less than, and it was incredible the impact that had on my self worth! You literally are what you consume, so you should feed your brain a nice balance of things that uplift you and others, that only enriches your life (e.g. this newsy!!) xxx
I fucking hate that this happened to you. If you ever wanted to write about this experience, I'd love to publish it over on Culture Vulture? https://culturevulture.substack.com/
So true! There are times when I still feel like the ugly friend, and those exact friends have told me they feel like THEY’RE the ugly friend! It was such a revelation, and more about what your brain says to you, than what’s actually true.
exactly! insane what happens when we STOP THINKING THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND US
I've always felt like the fat or least attractive friend in my group, and it's soul crushing. It took a long time and lot of work to stop negative self-talk. Admittedly I also shallowly have ended up taking pride in having really good skin and looking younger than I am, and developing a rep in my groups for being the go-to for skincare and beauty advice. But the weight thing and feeling ginormous is something I still struggle with, I'm not sure I'll ever 100% accept or find enlightened acceptance with myself.
it's a fucking journey babe, in this together xxxx
Oh god this reminded me of my first week of high school. They made us write letters for those in class that we would like to get to know better, those that we like etc. Everyone had an envelope on their table and we would slip a letter inside. Very quickly it became obious that only the most beautiful girls and boys got their envelopes filled with letters, and the rest of us peasants got nothing. It was embarrasing.
That was 13 years ago and I remember feeling ugly inside and out.
Since then I decided to work on my personality and started working out to feel better in my body. I feel and am so much better than I was back then. It is so easy to feel ugly and I wish I was gentler on myself back then.
“How about instead of focussing on what you’re not, focusing on what you are? The incredibly good friend, chef, artist, deep thinker, advice giver, sister? Think about whatever it is that makes you proud to be alive and lean into that.” I needed to hear this so much today. Thank you for sharing ❤️
i love u so much, thank u 𓆩♡𓆪
It is so important to talk about this. Thank you so much for writing this.
of course!! no point in writing if you can't write something honest!!!!
i'm literally in love with you
um babe i fear the feeling is mutual
HEY THAT'S NOT FAIR YOU CAN'T DO THAT
When I was around 22, I think, I remember watching as my flatmate went out with her boyfriend and another 'friend couple' and feeling so depressed as obviously I was completely unattractive and would never be able to do that. I've always had a squint and felt quite self-conscious about it and I also had the usual hang-ups when it came to weight and general appearance and so on (the mid-2000s were not fun!). So, I carried on my extremely exciting Sunday evening activity of doing the ironing and going over in my head how miserable I was. But then it hit me. The squint was not going anywhere. I would always, always have it. And even if a miracle occurred and I suddenly dropped three dress sizes and got a tan and so on and so forth, I'd still have a squint. An automatic disqualification from the field of play when it came to beauty standards. So, why was I worrying about any beauty standards? Why follow these rules when it's a game I can't win? And I swear, it was such a relief in that moment and I thought, I don't have to do this, there's no point in tormenting myself with these ideas of beauty because there is no way of me ever meeting them. And every time anything like those notions come crawling back into my head, I remind myself of that. I've been quite happy about my appearance ever since.
I am 100% the DUFF. Maybe not in my friend group, but when it comes to family/family friends everyone is stunning. Even my sister, she definitely got all the good genes. I would always look at pictures and hate how i looked compared to others. Of course, you can't talk about it because as you said you'll receive the classic 'don't say that about yourself' or 'you are beautiful'. I'm trying to remember that beauty comes from within, but man it would be nice for it to be on the outside of me as well ;-;. One step at a time though.
I am the ugly friend. I have felt for many months a lot of aesthetic shame. I just left a toxic marriage and all that comes with that. I brought it up in my domestic violence group tonight and hoping it'll shed some light on how I've been feeling. Thank you for sharing this read ❤️
I felt like the DUFF in my friend group and I can definitely resonate with the stop thinking about yourself so much advise. I also came here to say though, I was raised by a single dad and really had no idea how to properly care for myself. Once I learned proper care routine, despite knowingly being unconventional attractive, I still find myself much more confident. Sometimes it's a balance with also learning about what kind of care you need to feel happy in your skin and taking that time to get to know yourself. So even if I have vampire teeth and a midsized body, I feel cute when I'm actually caring for myself proper 🩷
I was 16 when a male classmate told me I had no sex appeal. I was 22 when my then partner beat me out of a deep sleep because his friends laughed at him for being with an ugly woman. I was 25 when a new boyfriend brought his best friend to meet me. I opened the door and his friend rudely exclaimed, "OH my God. She's ugly!". So, here I am at 73 and never married. I've never been worthy of love.
I am so sorry. You are worthy of love - just not from these fucking assholes.
This breaks my heart. Those awful people that hurt you are the ones not worthy.
This has been a wonderful thread. We all had to grow through the process of accepting ourselves as we are and loving ourselves. The journey is not easy but we are strong.
I feel this so much. I was also the DUFF for sure, living in Chicago and hanging out with my gorgeous single friends (I was not single) was actually traumatic. My friends always made me feel loved but strangers looking to hook up would treat me like a door mat. Meh