the tortured poets department: a post mortem (part one)
hope matty healy is off somewhere with a glass of cheap-ass screw-top rosé rn
Happy TTPD day to all who celebrate (and if you don’t, please don’t let me know about it: this is a caveat-free zone because today we are letting each other enjoy things.)
Upon the release of Taylor Swift’s 11th album I thought it would be fun to review it with the biggest Swifite I know - my best friend Flo.
Warning!!! This will be incredibly biased so if you don’t want that, go read a Pitchfork review or something xxxxxx
Flo’s credentials (so you know you can trust her)
She loved Taylor Swift even when everyone decided to hate her in like 2016
Her favourite album is Red
Her favourite songs are Wouldve Could’ve Should’ve, All Too Well (10-minute version) and Right Where You Left Me
Last year she went through a really bad breakup so she’s felt the full depth of both the sad and happy songs
She’s currently in her Reputation era
This is her lock screen:
My credentials:
I have been here since Love Story came on at my Year 8 rave and changed my life
I got Taylor Swift’s guitar pick at the Speak Now tour and TOUCHED HER HAND COZ I WAS FRONT ROW
My fave album is Red
My fave songs: Long Live, All Too Well (10 Min), Right Where You Left Me/ The Lucky One
This is my newsletter so I don’t need any other credentials
Ok, let’s do this!
“Fortnight” with Post Malone
Stand-out lyrics:
“Your wife waters flowers. I wanna kill her.”
“The Tortured Poets Department”
I’d seen murmuring about these lyrics from fake fans who listened to the leak:
OK but then I got a namedrop:
“But you told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave
And I had said that to Jack about you so I felt seen”
But if I’m going to be honest:
Also… Flo and I might not be allowed into the Tortured Poets Department:
A brief shoutout to our friend Hannah:
“My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”
“Down Bad”
“So Long, London”
Stand out lyric:
“And I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free”
“But Daddy I Love Him”
Stand out lyric:
I'll tell you something right now
I'd rather burn my whole life down
Than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin'
Flo is getting more and more upset at this point:
Another great one from flo:
“Fresh Out the Slammer”
A forgettable song other than a great title.
“Florida!!!!” with Florence + The Machine
Finally, Taylor Swift wrote us a song about drugs!!!!!
Four final words: FUCK ME UP, FLORIDA!
“Guilty as Sin?”
“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”
“You taught me, you caged me, and then you called me crazy” sums this one up perfectly.
I love female rage Taylor so much.
“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”
“loml”
Flo spoke too soon:
I just let her have her moment with this one.
“I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
THIS IS WHY I LOVE POP MUSIC!!!
UM THIS SONG IS SUCH A SLAY (even though it’s sad bc she’s singing about how depressed she was during the Era’s tour 🥺)
NEED TO GET “I CRY A LOT BUT I AM SO PRODUCTIVE” TATTOOED ON ME SOMEWHERE.
“The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”
When I tell you this song was WRITTEN for Flo I am not lying:
“The Alchemy”
Yes babies, Travis Kelce got a song!
“Clara Bow”
Rankings!!!
Luce’s top 5:
“I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
“Florida!!!”
“Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me?”
“But Daddy I Love Him”
“Down Bad”
Flo’s top 5:
“I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
“Down Bad”
“Florida!!!”
“The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”
“loml”
And that has been your review of TTPD by Luce and Flo xxxxxxxx
PS, here’s part two because she released a DOUBLE fucking album.
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if you’re a pop culture/ internet writer and you feel like you’ve got something to say that fits with our culture vulture vibe, send me a draft to luce@shityoushouldcareabout.com and I’ll see what I can do 𓆩♡𓆪